My parents find it hard to punish me now because I literally care about nothing now
John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY
I JUST LAUGHED SO LOUD I WOKE UP MY CAT AND HE CONFUSEDLY RAN INTO THE WALL
I wonder if anybody’s actually had feelings for me, like actually got upset or mad over little things I did and got jealous and confused over me and thought about me on a regular basis. I feel like I’m the only person that ever really cares about anyone and that nobody’s ever felt that way for me.
yesterday in the car my mom said “theres always the one gay twin out of a pair” and my twin brother and I shot a glance at one another because we’re both the gay twin
THIS IS THE FUCKING PHONE THAT I LOST IN DECEMBER.
AFTER THE SNOW MELTED, I FOUND IT THIS MORNING FROZEN IN THE ICE.
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT THERE.